Flow

One of my biggest challenges in my life these days is letting go of my expectations and ideas of what my life will be like. I know that things will flow in the direction they are meant to and I can only control my response to the twists and turns the river of life brings. And it seems like a lot of twists and turns are coming this year. I've hit a few snags and I can say that I'm sure I've almost tipped my little craft once or twice. I've made decisions, remade them, looked at them again, planned a little, and then changed them again. A lot of the time, even though I don't like to think of myself as someone that values other people's opinions too much, these changes are a reflection of varying opinions of those close to me. And I get so wrapped up in trying to find a solution that I stop listening to my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas. I stop listening to what I want and need. I'm so blinded by the quest of solution that I fail to see the solution right in front of my own eyes.

I just recently posted a blog talking about not going to college. After having a very frank conversation with my best and closest friend, I have re-evaluated that decision. I know that I can't stay here where I am. But if I go to Mesa State University in Grand Junction I can live on campus and accomplish two goals at once. I can get out of here and I can go to school. I don't want to become stagnant in my own life. I've done that before and it sucks beyond all measure. To my best friend and most important person in my life, thank you. I know I've said it already but I'll say it as many times as it takes for me to feel like I've truly thanked you for everything you do for me. You push me to be everything that I can be and you have faith in me when my own faith falters. The scariest thing about moving on to college and changing my life again is the thought of losing you. I'm worried about so many things that I know are so foolish. I fight so hard to keep hold of my ideals of the world that I forget to just let go and flow with the tide. I know that if we are meant to be this way, we will remain so as long as we're meant. It's admittedly hard for me to fully embrace because it means giving up what little control I feel I have on keeping you where I want you. You push me to grow because you force me to face the things that I fear most. You challenge me to face these fears and to conquer them, to accept them. And most importantly, to move forward no matter the obstacle. I'll never forget the day we met, among so many other memories I have with you. These are the strengths I use to carry me forward. The memories of you, of my friends, of my family. All these happy moments in my life, where I truly felt bliss. This is the strength I need to move forward. I'm scared of what the future may hold and my place in it. I know and am intimidated by the lack of control I face. But I know that I am never alone. I have my friends, my family. And right now, I have you, my best friend. You are the catalyst for the greatness I'm supposed to be, you show me that I can only find that person by becoming him. So to you, to my friends, to my family, thank you all so much. Your support means the world to me and I'll forever be there for you. To the next step forward, and to the stumbles along the way I raise my glass.