Flow

One of my biggest challenges in my life these days is letting go of my expectations and ideas of what my life will be like. I know that things will flow in the direction they are meant to and I can only control my response to the twists and turns the river of life brings. And it seems like a lot of twists and turns are coming this year. I've hit a few snags and I can say that I'm sure I've almost tipped my little craft once or twice. I've made decisions, remade them, looked at them again, planned a little, and then changed them again. A lot of the time, even though I don't like to think of myself as someone that values other people's opinions too much, these changes are a reflection of varying opinions of those close to me. And I get so wrapped up in trying to find a solution that I stop listening to my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas. I stop listening to what I want and need. I'm so blinded by the quest of solution that I fail to see the solution right in front of my own eyes.

I just recently posted a blog talking about not going to college. After having a very frank conversation with my best and closest friend, I have re-evaluated that decision. I know that I can't stay here where I am. But if I go to Mesa State University in Grand Junction I can live on campus and accomplish two goals at once. I can get out of here and I can go to school. I don't want to become stagnant in my own life. I've done that before and it sucks beyond all measure. To my best friend and most important person in my life, thank you. I know I've said it already but I'll say it as many times as it takes for me to feel like I've truly thanked you for everything you do for me. You push me to be everything that I can be and you have faith in me when my own faith falters. The scariest thing about moving on to college and changing my life again is the thought of losing you. I'm worried about so many things that I know are so foolish. I fight so hard to keep hold of my ideals of the world that I forget to just let go and flow with the tide. I know that if we are meant to be this way, we will remain so as long as we're meant. It's admittedly hard for me to fully embrace because it means giving up what little control I feel I have on keeping you where I want you. You push me to grow because you force me to face the things that I fear most. You challenge me to face these fears and to conquer them, to accept them. And most importantly, to move forward no matter the obstacle. I'll never forget the day we met, among so many other memories I have with you. These are the strengths I use to carry me forward. The memories of you, of my friends, of my family. All these happy moments in my life, where I truly felt bliss. This is the strength I need to move forward. I'm scared of what the future may hold and my place in it. I know and am intimidated by the lack of control I face. But I know that I am never alone. I have my friends, my family. And right now, I have you, my best friend. You are the catalyst for the greatness I'm supposed to be, you show me that I can only find that person by becoming him. So to you, to my friends, to my family, thank you all so much. Your support means the world to me and I'll forever be there for you. To the next step forward, and to the stumbles along the way I raise my glass.

Definitely Not What I Expected

Friday, my girlfriend and I went to an orientation session at the Community College of Denver. The orientation was long and grueling, exacted in the lovely heat of downtown Denver. After the whole ordeal, we got back in the car and kind of looked at each other. We both decided at that moment that we weren't going to attend CCD. She just didn't think it was the school for her and opted for another. I just knew I didn't really feel the pull from CCD like I have with other things in my life. I didn't completely understand why not. No, it wasn't the best campus out there by any means but it wasn't horrible either. The more I thought about it, the more the truth began to become evident.

I wasn't going to college.

I didn't know how I felt about that. I didn't know how I felt about realizing that I wasn't going to go. I think the worst part was that it wasn't entirely by my choice. I've always disliked things that were outside my control and were determined by someone or something else. But the situation had changed so much for me from the time that I began my schooling trek that I could no longer follow my expected path. My original plan of leaving to New Mexico to get an apartment and go to school down there fell through rather quickly. Then I was going to go to Mesa State until I found that I'd have to borrow almost $10,000 a year for four years to go. So I was going to go to CCD and then BAM! nope. I'm now living in a trailer on my parents' and grandparents' lawn since they all moved in together to save money. I have a car and a job, but neither work well enough to get me out of this situation. My goal has now become to get out on my own and get my own place. I have high hopes for that but I know it'll take a while. I know I'll need support from people while I fight for it. I'm sure my parents and grandparents will be happy to have me off their back, no matter how much they love me. I'm hoping that getting my own place will also have good effects on my relationship with my girlfriend but not exactly sure how all that could play out. But the river of life travels in interesting ways. And now it's moving and I have to flow along with it or drown in the tide.